To read the actual chapter, click here: Hetalia High School Chapter 3

Cheater, Cheater, Pasta Eater

Weeks have gone by, and Feliciano is not improving at all in his maths class because while studying he keeps getting distracted by fantasies of his maths teacher, Mr. Beilschmidt, about whom we still know nothing.  Descriptions are absent, so fangirls … imagine what you will!  And no, Mr. Beilschmidt is not Gilbert. Sorry to disappoint Prussia fans, but the author specified in a note at the top.  Gilbert shall be referred to as Coach Beilschmidt.  So stop fantasizing that Gilbert is teaching math class.  Stop it. And put whatever version of Ludwig you want in there instead.

Feliciano cries to Kiku, and then Romano verbally abuses him, saying some things to Feliciano that we all know he doesn’t REALLY mean—right?  Especially because Romano puts his hand on Feliciano’s shoulder and says, “Sorry for what I said. I think you must give your best try as this is so difficult for you,” after Kiku leaves.  After all, isn’t any and all abuse excusable if the person APOLOGIZES?

Not like verbal abuse would add real tension anyway.

Feliciano becomes so desperate that he decides to cheat on his maths exam in one of the stupidest ways possible and:

a) gets caught by Mr. Beilschmidt (Ludwig) and reported to the principal for academic dishonesty.

b) gets caught by Mr. Beilschmidt and let off the hook.

c) brings pasta to class.

d) gratuitous smut occurs.

e) All of the above.

The correct answer is b.  Surprisingly.

Mr. Beilschmidt/Ludwig agrees to let the incident go as long as Feliciano agrees to take extra lessons with him after school.  (Extra lessons.  Right….)  As the young Italian runs happily from the classroom, Ludwig thinks about how radiant Feliciano looks when he smiles, and then he slaps himself.  LIKE A BOSS.  Because real Germans deal their own discipline…on themselves.

“I see you finally went nuts because of all the stress,” says a voice laced with a thick German accent from the door.  It’s HITLER!

No, wait, it’s EINSTEIN.

No, wait, it’s DR. OTTO SCRATCHNSNIFF.

Oh.  It’s just Gilbert.  Trying to mooch a ride off of his brother because his car is at the mechanic.  Probably totaled after a drunken joyride.

“Hola, amigos! Could you give me a ride too?” says another voice, this one laced with a Spanish accent from the door.  It’s FRANCISCO FRANCO.

No, wait, it’s ANTONIO BANDERAS.

No, wait, it’s NACHO LIBRE.

No, wait, it’s PENÉLOPE CRUZ.

Oh.  It’s Antonio Fernández, Romano’s alternative language professor.  And he wants a ride too.

(By the way, what language are Gilbert and Antonio speaking with their respective accents? We have NO idea…We assume, because it has never been specified, English.  But does that make sense?  After all, Feliciano keeps saying “veh,” which he only ever does in Japanese, not the English dub of the anime series.  So maybe they are speaking Japanese?)

Antonio and Gilbert gossip about how cute the Italian brothers are, while Ludwig comments disapprovingly and adds that he sees nothing wrong with Feliciano’s behavior “putting aside the fact that he’s a bit too expressive.”  Which proves that this must be set in Victorian England because no one outside of that setting would care about that.

And so the chapter ends with an “As you wish” from Ludwig.  “As you wish” was all he ever said to them.  That day, they were amazed to discover that when he was saying “As you wish,” what he meant was, “I love you.” And even more amazing was the day they realized they truly loved him back.

Anonymous asked: I'm not trying to rush you but do you have a rough estimate as to when your next post will be? Can you at least tell us what fic you'll be running? Sorry to be a bother.

From all the staff we say thank you to our followers for your patience. April has been one hell of a month for us and real life has definitely taken over. I know at least two of us have finals these next two weeks, but you can all expect a post coming within those next two weeks. This is our stress relief and we are grateful that you are hungry for more.

We will probably do some more hetalia high school.
What would you guys like to see from us?

Dude America should toataly be in this more XD

———————————————————————

HEY ANNADOG4O, what’s UP?! Dude, I’m totally gonna be doing more reviews on APHFFA! For some reason there are a bunch of people out there (I won’t name names cuz I’m cool like that, but one starts with a “B” and ends with an “N”) who don’t think I’m really that into writing and stuff, but what do they know?

Man, it’s so frickin’ sweet to hear from you!  Rock on, Annadog40, and all my awesome fans!

Love,

America

To read the actual chapter, click here: 001. the failings of immortality

001. [insert pretentious title here]

ABRIDGMENT

Kiku brings a bloodied, bundled-up Yao somewhere.  Subject-confused narrative containing lists of unresolved abstractions, an occasional gem of language, and an f-bomb for added edginess follow.  Kiku is a sadist.  Kiku has Yao.  Three sentences resembling actual scene-work.  Fifteen sentences of exposition.

LITERAL RENDITION

Kiku brings severely injured Yao “here” (wherever that is).  Yao can’t open his eyes, and his hands are shaking and quaking from the ride (a pony ride, perhaps?) and from bloodstains (very, very powerful bloodstains).  Kiku has said, “I love you,” at some point, and so the other lovingly takes him (you wondering who “the other” is? So are we.) and breaks him, and Kiku (oh, it’s Kiku) tastes, mutates, and makes Yao his own (let’s pause to picture each one of those actions in sequence).

*Please stand by.  We are experiencing technical difficulties.  One of our abridgers is having an aneurysm.*

Then there’s an earthquake.  Kiku feels some people, and the people are quaking in anger, fear, and utter repulsion (couldn’t guess why), and the people are tasting bullets, swords, and the distilled delicacy of death itself (we’ve heard it’s best on the rocks).

Also, the (Japanese?) people think Yao would make a good fuck.  (Or maybe they think Kiku would make a good fuck, since he was the last subject of which we were aware.  Or maybe the people are Chinese.  Does Yao taste like sweet-and-sour sauce?)

ANYWAY, Kiku’s sword is cutting deeper and closer to … somebody’s heart (good luck figuring out whose).

 And something begins.

—

Let’s look at some reviews for this piece of online literature:

“…You’ve left me stunned.  This story, it was so…emotional and dark, so beautifull… Brilliant piece”

“Honestly, one of the best stories I have ever read. Beautifully dark, amazingly well written… Just downright fantastic. You are a truly talented author :)”

“My reaction through this? OHMYGODWHATTHEFUCKJUSTHAP afadsuhfuilahfeuihflijahn. Seriously, though. This is all so dark and raw and emotional and… I really have no words to describe it. Although you keep your chapters shorter than some people, it does take away from the intesnsity of each chapter. And gods above, this is intense.”

Three fallacies we’d like to point out, based on the oodles of similar reviews for this fan fiction:

-“Darker is better.”—Just because something can be viewed as “dark” does NOT make it something of quality.

-“Oo … figurative language … This is so poetic!”—Lists of verbs, lots of metaphors, and occasional rhyming does not make a piece of writing inherently poetic.

-“ ‘Anger, fear, utter repulsion, lovingly, envy, fear, respect’… This piece is so intensely emotional!”—Just because you name off emotions doesn’t mean that you are actually getting to the heart of those emotions.

In light of that and in light of authors like Hemingway, Wilde, and Nabokov:

-These chapter are short (as promised), but they are unclear and redundant.  Furthermore, they are largely summaries.  The scenework is minimal and explains development rather than showing it.

-The difference between the human characters (Yao and Kiku) and the countries (China and Japan) is not clearly established.  Are we reading a fic about individual people or the allegorical representations of two nations?

-There is no purpose to the confusing narrative.  We don’t have a problem with confusing narratives here at APHFFA—when they serve a purpose.  A purpose such as character development, for instance.  An insight into a character’s psychology.  What purpose do the heaps of metaphors and deliberately vague grammatical constructions serve in this piece?

-The writing continually points out “ironic” things in the narrative that, as far as we can tell, are not actually ironic.

-The title of Chapter 1 sounds like the sequel to a vampire YA novel.  And it does not appear to relate to the content of the first chapter.

—

And now, a few words from characters who may or may not have appeared in this chapter, and a madlib (go ahead—fill out your own!).

Ohmigawd, aru. This literally the hardest thing for me to read so far.

I so confused my brain hurt. I probably walk away from this piece five or six times, only to come back, re-read, and find myself still beating my head against a brick wall. A big. China-sized. Brick. Wall.

I no understand why I type-cast into two kinds of roles. I either completely weak, with all the worst kind of female characteristics (i.e. emotionally clingy, weepy, dependant on others, etc.), or I a complete fucking psycho, with overly obsessive and self-harming tendencies. Why I never written with any intelligence? And why I always seem so compliant, and roll over without any fight? It driving me crazy.

Now to dissect this paragraph disguising itself as a chapter. I no know what Kiku and I even doing in this scene. The point of view never concrete. I assuming I tortured, dragged to Japan, and sexed? Lovingly? That what I get from the context, but everything contradict itself.

“And so, the other lovingly takes him. Lovingly breaks him. Tastes and mutates and makes Yao his own — lovingly, of course.” That sound … painful, aru. Not loving.

But if that not enough, then THIS: “They think he would make a good fuck.” (◎_◎; )  … what? I no disagree with “them”, I a pretty good lay, but … who the author even trying to talk about? Why they thinking these things about … me? Kiku? ALFRED?? Who the subject in this line!?

My advice: Skip this. Skip this whole puffed-up piece if you value your sanity, reader. It really not worth it.

— 王姚 Wang Yao

—

Hello. I am Honda Kiku. Thank you, APHFFA, for inviting me to write. I know there are many others much better suited to the task. I must apologize. I am not currently commenting on fan fictions. Perhaps next time—I’ll see what I can do.

どうもありがとうございます。Thank you very much.

—Honda Kiku

—

An madlib

By Francis Bonnefoi

the [whispers] of [butterflies]

([No one fights like Gaston, douses lights like Gaston. In a wrestling match nobody bites like Gaston.])

He, [Kiku], brings [them] here, bundled up and [toasty] and [tasty] and [fresh] from [the oven] to [Ludwig]. [Yao] cannot open his eyes, and it is not simply because of the [eyelashes] in front of them. His [toes] are shaking, quaking, from the [massage] and those [sexy fantasies] and those [dreams about Francis] that just will not go away.

‘[I’ve never had a boner,]’ Kiku has said.

And so, the other [brazenly] takes him.

Lovingly [strokes] him.

[Francis] and [only Francis] makes Yao his own— lovingly, of course.

[Cookies] are breaking, bending, shaking, and then crumbling away altogether. He [loves] them, [loves] his people. They quake, in [lust] and [orgasms] and something like [singing]. They taste the [sweat], the [softness] of [lips]; the distilled delicacy that the [wine] itself. His people, their [dreams], the other [hairdos], they envy him, fear him, respect him.

([Oral sex.])

Irony, irony— he would think [Yao] bitter, if he did not know [Yao] so well.

The [sunflowers], Kiku’s [sunflowers], Imperial Japan’s [sunflowers], [shine] deeper and deeper. Even if it reaches his [penis], even if it pierces his [balls], he will not die, and they both know it.

[Sexily], [sexily].

It begins.

To read the actual chapter, click here: Whiskey Lullaby - RussiaxChina

Vodka Lullaby

The abridged-abridged version:  Russia shoots himself because he’s heartbroken over China.  China shoots himself because he’s heartbroken over Russia shooting himself.  The world goes on.

What you really came here for:

In some fanfiction, the point of view flip-flops from sentence to sentence.  In this fanfic, the author tells us straight up (albeit in parentheses—SIGH—) that this first section is in Russia’s point of view … only to throw some altered lyrics of “Whiskey Lullaby” with an abundance of ambiguous and disorienting pronouns at us immediately afterward (Hey, Reader, THINK FAST! *chucks song*).  Fortunately, a first-person, past tense narrative promptly follows.

Haunted by the memory of once being a “happy, carefree couple” with China, Russia is—wait, what?

China and Russia … a “happy” … “carefree” … “couple” ………?

Haunted by the memory of once being a “happy, carefree couple” with China, Russia is drinking vodka to drown his woes.  He notices that he doesn’t notice that the Baltics are watching him and are trying to get him out of the depression caused by Yao—er—China.  Yao/China.  Russia lies down then gets back up, realizing that he can’t continue to live like this and that it’s “worth than death….”

MORE SONG!  (And it appears to remain unnoticed or unacknowledged by the POV character.)

Russia gets his Makarov pistol from his desk drawer, tears in his twice-mentioned violet eyes, then goes to his bed, where he cries and chugs the rest of his vodka.

A LITTLE MORE SONG.

Russia cuts his finger and writes a message on a notepad in his own blood, tears in his thrice-mentioned violet eyes.  Then he shoots himself and dies.

And … miraculously, the first-person, past tense narrative continues as Ivan describes the Baltics finding his note with his dead body and also his own funeral.

AND SOME MORE SONG …

And then the author tells us straight up that this is now China’s POV.  In parentheses.  Because let’s face it—establishing a first-person narrative through character details, the character’s observations, or the character’s internal monologue would be giving the reader way too much credit.

For three days following Ivan’s/Russia’s funeral, China has been stealing sake from Kiku’s house and getting drunk because the guilt from Ivan’s/Russia’s suicide has been eating away at him.  He misses Ivan/Russia hugging him and calling him “Yao Yao” and “China bear.”  Unable to take the grief any longer, China gets the Luger he’d gotten from Ludwig.

AND EVEN MORE SONG!

China accidently knocks a picture of Ivan/Russia off a shelf.  The guilt becomes too great to bear, so he shoots himself and dies.

And … another miracle!  The first-person, past tense narrative carries on! (A literal ghostwriter—WOO-HOO-HOO!)  Kiku and Yong Soo arrive too late to save China, and they find the picture of Ivan/Russia that Yao was “clinging onto for dear life” while committing suicide.

It seems that clinging to the picture for dear life didn’t work very well.

_______________

We have the privilege of bringing to you the recovered transcript of an obscure interview conducted by Raivis Galante with Wang Yao and Ivan Braginksi, in which they discuss the adaptation of their characters in Whiskey Lullaby – RussiaxChina.

R: Ah—Erhm. H-Hello? Is my recording device on … [fiddles with device] Oh. It is. It is. Oh! You’re both here. Eh … um … Hello.

I: Hello.

Y: Aiyah. [shakes head]

R: H-Hello …

I: And here we are again. Hello.

R: [swallows] S-So if you don’t mind—

Y: You have actual questions to ask us, right?

R: Well … I was going to say … if you didn’t mind I would proceed with the questions …

I: Go ahead.

R: Okay. [clears throat] It seems like you both … well … died.

I: Yes. I actually find that pretty confusing for a number of reasons. First of all, did “Russia” die, or did “Ivan” die?  I’m thinking those are two very different things.

R: Oh, well … [rifles through papers] Erh … That’s not really clear. Eh-heh—my research department didn’t really clarify …

Y: I agree. I mean, if we countries, then this story make no logical sense. Countries no can die unless conquered, absorbed, or dismantled by those in charge. A human bullet, in a human gun, no have the ability to destroy an entire nation.

R: Oh. So is it a Prussia situation or a situation of murder of an actual human being? D-did that make sense?

I: From the way this story is told, it sounds like the suicide of two individual people, even though the author switches back and forth between their country names and human names. But that brings me to another point. I know there is some talk of me having a few mystical powers. Well, it seems in this story, I have the power to write from beyond the grave, which I think is pretty—how do you say—bad ass.

R: [nervously] So you can speak from beyond the grave … I didn’t know that …

I: Even though it defies all logic.  Which I guess is what makes it so bad ass.

R: Eh-heh … Bad ass … yeah …

Y: [rolls eyes] I write from beyond the grave in this story, too, you ass. I sure if this kid die instead of you, he able to, as well. It not a special power, it just bad writing.

R: Eh—well—

I: Speaking of asses, even after reading through this story, I still can’t find any mention of why we were in a relationship to begin with—although I have some idea—much less why we broke up. Why could we not get back together, and why would we not repair our relationship yet choose to die to be together? Perhaps I’m just not drunk enough to get it—but maybe I can get there. [throws back a shot]

Y: Maybe we break up because you a creepy, sadistic, and highly possessive alcoholic? Make sense to me.

R: Erhm, gentlemen, please—

I: You don’t think I’m a creepy, sadistic, and highly possessive alcoholic, do you, Raivis?

R: [ignoring his question] So how did it feel to take a bullet to the head?

I: Oh, it’s a slow death when you’re as full of vodka as I am.

R: Oh …

Y: Really? I felt mine was overly-rushed, and not at all interesting. I mean, I “died immediately from the wound”. Again, why authors so afraid of detail and conflict?

R: Well, it’s a little grotesque …

I: I have to say, I can imagine doing a lot of things after a terrible break-up with you, but killing myself isn’t one of them.

Y: I agree, aru. Like going out and having revenge-sex with Francis.

R: I hope you don’t actually know what that’s like … eh heh …

Y: … [distractedly looking at his nail beds]

R: Oh. [gathers papers] Erhm, so you weren‘t depressed by Mister Ivan’s death, Mister Yao?

Y: Of course not! We both have too-too much pride to just end our lives over things like break-ups. If I being portrayed as a county, like the story suggest, then I have rich history. I have traditions and culture that span centuries. Not to mention I thousands of year old—I like to think I wiser than some love-struck teenager.  I no give all that up just because Russia no longer exist. It would be a shock, but not my problem, and I sure it visa-versa.

R: So you don’t think this Romeo and Juliet-esque death really fit?

Y: Not without legitimate reason. Besides, he no kill himself to be with me. He kill himself because he a pu-*mew*-sy

R: Mister Ivan is a …?

I: I thought you were a fan of knock-offs, Yao. Coach, Rolex, Apple … Why not Shakespeare?

Y: And have my story end up like “Romeo and Juliet” starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes? No thanks.

R: I sort of like that movie … S-sorry …

I: Oh … Little Raivis … that’s so cute.

R: I-it’s a famous movie …

Y: Famously bad, maybe.

I: I think it’s pretty hard to beat Andrei Tarkovsky.

R: C-can we get back to the interview … please?

Y: I tell you who hard to beat—Jet Li. That guy a lean, mean, Chinese machine. [folds arms inside the sleeves of his cheongsam]

I: If you say so …

R: May I ask about the—err … sunflower field?  Your first date?

I: Our first date in the story, yes.  I don’t think Yao would ever let me take him to a sunflower field all alone …

Y: You try something funny, aru.

I: So suspicious.  You are colder than a winter in Magadan.

Y: I no can help it. You creep me out! You constantly dressing as pandas, or showing up in my home, uninvited! And you no like taking “no” for an answer.

I: I always wonder when people say that, who DOES like taking “no” for an answer?

R: Uh—erh—

Y: Nobody! But you too-too insistent! You always asking same question, and always get same result. Your tactics obviously not working!

R: Mister Yao—

Y: And another thing! You oppressive, and large, and drink way too much!

R: [gasps] Mister Yao!

I: Well, what can you do. [shrugs]  It’s the way God wants it.

R: So … there was no first date?

Y: NO. And there never will be. This why stories like this no can work—even when we get along, it never last, because Russians and Chinese are too different, and we no can trust each other. Not to mention Russians CRAZY.

R: Crazy. Well … ya …

I: Oh, you think so too, Raivis? [sinister grin]

R: No no! I only meant that … Oh no …

I: [presses hand down on his head]

R: [whine] Mister Ivan … sir … I’m trying to be professional … We are conducting an interview …

I: [still pressing down] Oh, that’s right.  Well, maybe it’s best for me to sum up my views on the story. Despite the lack of context and logic, I don’t think the writing is particularly bad compared to other things I’ve seen.  I just think too much is being taken for granted, like how I take that last step on my staircase for granted when I’m coming home drunk from sexy time at a club.  Did you know you can mix Vodka with Red Bull?  It’s like drinking the piss of a Russian bear and an American longhorn, and it makes you want to make love like an ape, shit your pants, and kill somebody!

R: T-that’s terrifying … Can you please stop … pushing down on me …

Y: [sighs] I suppose I agree with you on the writing. While not completely horrible, the context not great either. None of the characters, not even the ones who live, receive any amount of personality. Also, why other countries so deeply affected by our failed relationship? Were they personally involved? I just no think a one-shot should be so … well, undeveloped. I given absolutely no reason to care about anyone in here—including myself. And that just depressing, aru.

—-

Unfortunately, according to Raivis, the rest of this tape was corrupted, and “Mister Ivan and Mister Yao started fighting and … this was all the tape I could save.”

Anonymous asked: What do you gys think of 'Castle of Silence and Bones?'The TV Tropes page calls it one of the best fanfics ever,but I find it.... Kinda.. Boring, painfully purple, and a little cliche. T(Though I guesa the plot woul be kinda interesting if it was readable underneath the purpleness)

You’re bored. We’re bored. We’re all probably bored because we can’t understand what’s going on. It’s like reading a conversation between two neurosurgeons, but it’s really not that brilliant. It just thinks it’s brilliant and deep. It’s astounding how little actually happens. So trying to abridge something that’s practically abridged itself, well …

All we have to say is—

THANK YOU.

Really. Thank you to all our lovely followers. All one hundred and two of you.

As the creators of this madness, we are awed that so many people in such a short time support this ridiculous hobby of ours. It is truly a joy to know that so many people enjoy it. Hate it? Maybe half of you only follow us because you need something to scowl at when the day ends.

Either way, thank you.

- The Three Blind Mice.
aka
- The Three Musketeers.
aka
- The Three Stooges.
aka
- Orion’s Belt.
aka
- The things you get when you rub Aladdin’s lamp.
aka
- Three French Hens.
aka
- The Trilogy of the Ring.
aka
- The ORIGINAL Star Wars films.
aka
- The Three Amigos.
aka
- The Three Little Pigs.
aka
- Morning, Noon and Night.
aka
- The Three Tenors
aka
- The Three Bears
aka
- Red, Yellow and Blue


AKA

Whichever three Hetalia characters we most feel like playing as.

Anonymous asked: I love your abridged version of Giving In. XD Never really liked the fic because I could never get past the first chapter because it was just so boring and obvious. I can't believe it has over 2,000 reviews. *going anon so no butthurt fans of the fic bug me*

We are so happy that you enjoyed it. We can’t really get past the first chapter either… but one of our staff might continue this, with the rest of us chiming in occasionally. Please send a submission if you haven’t already. We enjoy getting new material.

Anonymous asked: Same anon who requested Giving In, and your abridged version WAS AMAZING. Thank-you so much! I laughed so hard! I really, really hope you continue!

Thanks for the request. We’re glad you enjoyed it. One of our staff might continue this particular fic, with the rest of us occasionally joining in. Please continue to send us other submissions and we hope you are following us for updates.